Did Jesus Really Say That? Part 1: Understanding "Hate Your Father and Mother"

Some of Jesus' sayings look great on greeting cards or coffee mugs: "I am the Good Shepherd" (John 10:11). "Come to me, all you who are weary" (Matthew 11:28). "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31).

Others? Not so much.

"Hate your father and mother" doesn't exactly scream "wall décor." Neither does "If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out" (Matthew 5:29). These hard sayings can leave us scratching our heads—or worse, misunderstanding what Jesus actually meant.

The Problem: A Troubling Contradiction?

Luke 14:26 records one of Jesus' most jarring statements: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."

At first glance, this creates serious problems:

• Hate your parents? Doesn't that violate the Fifth Commandment (Exodus 20:12)?
• Hate your spouse? Isn't marriage supposed to picture Christ's love for the church (Ephesians 5:25)?
• Hate your siblings? What happened to loving your neighbor as yourself?
• Hate yourself? How can we love others if we despise ourselves?

Which is it—love or hate? The contradiction seems impossible to resolve.

Context Changes Everything

As Pastor Alex reminded us recently, context matters enormously in biblical interpretation. Without it, even sincere believers can badly misunderstand Scripture.

I learned this lesson as a teenager when my grandmother, a dairy farmer, sent me to pick a "bunch" of broccoli. I returned with a Radio Flyer wagon overflowing with vegetables! To my suburban mind, "bunch" meant "a lot." To her farming experience, it meant "a handful." Same word, completely different meanings.

Jesus’ shocking statement in Luke 14 demands careful attention to its setting: both the scriptural context of the story around it and the linguistic context of how words like “love” and “hate” were used in that world.

Context #1: The Story Jesus Just Told

Luke places this teaching immediately after the Parable of the Great Banquet (Luke 14:15-24). In that story, a host prepares a magnificent feast and sends invitations. When the time comes, however, the invited guests make excuses: one just bought land, another purchased oxen, a third just got married (Luke 14:18-20).

Each excuse involved something good: property, work, family. But these good things became barriers to accepting the invitation. So the host turns to "the poor and crippled and blind and lame," people with nothing to offer in return (Luke 14:21).

The message is clear: God's invitation is gracious and free, but accepting it requires reordering every other priority in our lives.

Context #2: The Language of Priority

Have you ever noticed how easily we use the words "love" and "hate" with different intensities? Take these two statements: "I love my wife" and "I love pizza." They don't load the word "love" with the same weight, do they? The second fades into insignificance beside the first.

Biblical language works similarly. When God says, "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated" (Malachi 1:2-3; Romans 9:13), He's primarily describing priority and choice, not emotional hostility toward Esau.

We do the same thing with "hate" in everyday speech. When I say, "I hate dipping chicken wings in ranch dressing," I'm not harboring deep-seated animosity toward Hidden Valley Ranch. I'm expressing strong preference for blue cheese—ranch simply doesn't compare.

Jesus uses this same comparative language. He's not commanding hostility toward family but demanding unquestioned supremacy: our love for Him must so outweigh all other loves that, by comparison, they appear secondary.

What Jesus Actually Meant

The Crowd's Misunderstanding

Notice that "great crowds accompanied him" (Luke 14:25). Thousands followed Jesus, but He wasn't chasing numbers. In fact, He turned and said something that would thin the ranks considerably. He wasn't recruiting fans; He was calling disciples.

Questions of Ultimate Allegiance

To do so, Jesus turned a spotlight on their deepest loyalties. In first-century Jewish culture, family was everything: your identity, your economic security, your social standing (Ruth 1:16-17; Genesis 12:1). For Jesus to demand priority over these deepest bonds was revolutionary. He was claiming divine authority, the right to supersede even the most sacred human relationships.

Following Christ isn't about minor lifestyle adjustments. It's about recognizing Jesus as Lord of everything, not just an addition to our existing priorities.

Taking Up the Cross

Few things could make it more clear than what Jesus said next: "Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:27). The cross wasn't a metaphor in Jesus' day. It was Rome's instrument of execution, shameful and final (1 Corinthians 1:23). To "bear your cross" meant walking slowly, deliberately to your own death.

Jesus calls His followers to complete surrender, even unto death.

What This Looks Like Today

In Other Cultures

Many believers worldwide know this reality firsthand. In some cultures and American subcultures, choosing Christ means family disownment, lost inheritance, social ostracism, and elimination of marriage prospects within one's community. These new believers must find their sufficiency in Christ and their new family in the church (Mark 3:31-35).

In Our Context

For most Western Christians, the tension is quieter but equally real. A new believer might face mockery from friends, disappointment from parents, or isolation from former social circles (John 15:18-20). They must choose between Christ and the approval of people they love.

Some of you reading this know that tension personally.

The Beautiful Paradox

However, here's a counterintuitive truth in all of this: putting Christ first doesn't diminish our love for others; it transforms, purifies, and even heightens it. Augustine captured this when he said, "Love God, and do what you will." When God is first, our will aligns with His (Psalm 37:4).

The man who loves Christ supremely becomes a better husband and father (Ephesians 5:25). The woman who follows Christ wholeheartedly discovers her truest calling (Proverbs 31:30). This isn't the kind of hatred we fear. It is the form of love for which we long.

Jesus promises in Mark 10:29-30: "There is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time... and in the age to come eternal life."

Put Christ first, and you don't lose your other loves. You find them transformed, exalted, and secured forever.

Three Applications

For Believers

This passage offers a sobering reminder: comfortable Christianity isn't Christianity at all. Christ demands everything, not just our spare time or leftover energy (Romans 12:1-2).

For Skeptics

If you think of Jesus as merely a gentle moral teacher, listen carefully to His words. No ordinary teacher demands allegiance above family, self, and society. These are the claims of someone asserting divine authority (John 14:6).

For the Church

We cannot soft-sell discipleship. Jesus Himself didn't sugarcoat the cost (Luke 9:23-26). Our task isn't to promise ease but to proclaim both the free grace of salvation and the costly call of discipleship.

The Heart of the Matter

Jesus' "hard saying" reveals a beautiful truth: when Christ becomes our highest love, every other love finds its proper place. This isn't about hating family—it's about loving them rightly, within the context of ultimate allegiance to our Savior.

As we continue exploring Jesus' challenging sayings, let's approach each one with humility, careful attention to context, and faith. God's Word isn't confusing—it's transforming, when we hear it rightly.

Reflection & Discussion

What does it mean to "hate" family for Christ's sake? 

Jesus demands that our love for Him "so outweigh all other loves that, by comparison, they are clearly secondary" (Luke 14:26). Where do you see family relationships competing with your devotion to Christ? How might reordering your priorities actually strengthen rather than weaken your family bonds? How does the Spirit help us love family members rightly within the context of ultimate allegiance to Jesus? (Matthew 10:37; Ephesians 5:25; 1 John 4:19)

What "crosses" is Jesus asking you to bear? 

Taking up your cross means walking toward death—death to self, comfort, and competing allegiances (Luke 14:27). What specific areas of your life feel most resistant to Jesus' lordship? Where might He be calling you to surrender control, comfort, or approval? How does the Spirit give us courage to embrace what feels like loss? (Romans 6:6–11; Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 12:9–10)

How do you soften the demands of discipleship? 

Jesus didn't recruit fans—He called disciples willing to count the cost (Luke 14:25–33). Where are you tempted to make following Christ more comfortable or convenient than He intended? What would it look like to embrace the full weight of His call rather than settling for cultural Christianity? How does the Spirit strengthen us to pursue authentic discipleship? (Romans 12:1–2; James 4:4; 1 John 2:15–17)

What good things compete for Christ's place? 

The people in Jesus' parable missed the banquet because of good priorities—land, work, marriage (Luke 14:18–20). What legitimate responsibilities or relationships most easily crowd out your devotion to Jesus? How can you honor these gifts while keeping Christ supreme? How does the Spirit help us hold earthly blessings with open hands? (1 Corinthians 7:29–31; Colossians 3:1–4; 1 Timothy 6:17–19)

How does putting Christ first transform your other loves? 

The paradox of discipleship is that loving Jesus most enables us to love others best. Where have you seen this proven true in your own experience? How might deeper allegiance to Christ actually improve your relationships with family, friends, and neighbors? How does the Spirit produce love that flows from right priorities? (1 John 4:7–21; Galatians 5:22–23; Romans 5:5)

Related Scriptures for Further Study

• Matthew 10:37–39 – Loving Christ above family; finding life through losing it.
• Luke 14:15–24 – The Parable of the Great Banquet and competing priorities.
• Mark 10:29–30 – Jesus' promise to those who sacrifice for the gospel.
• Romans 6:6–11 – Crucified with Christ, alive to God.
• Galatians 2:20 – Living by faith in the Son of God who loved us.
• 1 Corinthians 7:29–31 – Holding earthly relationships with proper perspective.
• Ephesians 5:25–33 – Christ's love as the model for marriage.
• Colossians 3:1–4 – Setting minds on things above.
• 1 John 4:7–21 – God's love enabling us to love others.
• Romans 12:1–2 – Offering ourselves as living sacrifices.

These sermon summaries are solely intended for the personal devotional use of church members and friends. They are not transcripts or academic works and should not be reproduced or distributed without permission.

Originally prepared by Kevin Labby during his vocational service at First Evangelical Free Church of McKeesport. Used with permission. Copyright remains with the church. Please do not reproduce or distribute without written consent from both the church and the author.